Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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