I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize