Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
