I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
