Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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