After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
