he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Randomize
