I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
