his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
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