her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
