I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
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