he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize