just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
we're making bets on your personal life
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
