dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
