did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
You need a sexual gate keeper
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
