Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize