I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
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