Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
