whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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