I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
