the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Randomize
