he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Randomize
