I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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