oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize