Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
