Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
