I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Sext me about skeletons
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Randomize
