Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
