I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
