I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Randomize
