I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
