I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
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