someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
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