i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
