remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
