I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
