I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
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