I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
