if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
