Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Oh and I watched laurens last episode on the hills. its been an emotional day
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
