Don't make out with my wife yet
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Randomize
