Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
