I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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