i barfeds in our rink
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
