So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Randomize