Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
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