Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
