Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Randomize
