would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
