Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Randomize
