My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Randomize
