I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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