I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
