He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Randomize
