Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Randomize
