I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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