____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
