She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
