The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Randomize
