I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Randomize