My friends, they love my intelligence
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
