She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Randomize
