Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I just googled if crying burns calories
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Randomize
