Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
