OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
