I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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